NEW YORK CITY – After a series of major shocks involving stocks and banks, financial news outlets are declaring that things have happened with money and savings accounts and people should fear what is next. In fact, the Wall Street Journal has officially declared, “Business Business Business,” about something, probably. 

“Business was trending along compliance and risk trends in the Business sector until a massive negative shock to the A.I. put option parity,” said WSJ reporter Evelyn Melvin. “As a reporter for the Wall Street Journal, it is my duty to explain financial phenomena using the least amount of inaccessible jargon possible. Otherwise, it would be impossible for our readers to understand the true ramifications of the asset squeeze arbitrage power ratio Fintech,” added Melvin while Googling “how to keep lying about knowing what I’m talking about.”

J.P. Morgan investment banking analyst Munee N’stuf had much to say on this event.

“This is just a serious case of interest rates leveraging CAPM bonds,” he said while struggling to adjust the column widths of an Excel spreadsheet. “The market is in a complete shift as a result of balance sheets and return on investment revenue profit, to put it simply. It’s a genius mind like mine that gets into such a profitable investment banking business company firm like this one. No one else has the merit to understand these complex issues,” said the son of J.P. Morgan vice president Gould N’Stuf.

Civilians not employed in the financial services industry have complained about a lack of clarity in reporting about these major events. Barclays CEO Jerry Center attempted to clear the air.

“There is a serious problem with so-called financial experts trying to break down financial and economic trends and phenomena. Anyone who knows some jargon can get online and say things that have an impact without even understanding the consequences of their actions,” he scoffed, while signing a contract he didn’t read authorizing Barclays to fund the destruction of the Amazon rainforest. 

“The truth about what is happening right now on Wall Street is much more simple than people are saying. It’s about synergy,” he confidently continued while chewing tobacco like an evil cartoon businessman in a Tom and Jerry short.

Following the initial wave of panic, markets have decreased in volatility after the Wall Street Journal published an article describing how “Business is Back to Being Business in the Business World.”

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