BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking power move, Chancellor Christ has proclaimed that she is the Academic Senate. 

“Frankly, the senate is in shambles at the moment,” reports Academic Executive Director Jocelyn Surla Banaria. “I’ve been trying to discuss means to block the Chancellor’s attempted fascist power grab, but I’ve been so inundated with her lengthy emails that I haven’t been able to communicate with any of the other senators.”

Marc ‘Windu’ Fisher was overheard attempting to arrest the Chancellor, reportedly brandishing the Stanford Axe while forcefully claiming that the academic senate would decide Christ’s fate. However, the Chancellor quickly retorted by stating, “it’s treason, then,” and subsequently proceeded to magically break the bars at the top of the Campanile and hurl Fisher out of the tower. It is presumed that Vice-Chancellor Fisher is dead, but this is unknown due to the possibility of him appearing in a Berkeley+ spin-off university. 

Even though the Chancellor’s actions are abhorrent to many, one Berkeley student didn’t seem surprised.

“It is very common for a sith to kill their apprentice in order to prevent themselves from being overthrown,” said self-identifying Star Wars nerd Elizabeth Bridger. “Let’s just hope Cal Kestis can show up to help save us. I mean our school is named after him, he has to come!”

At press time, these times were both uncertain and unprecedented. 

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