OAKLAND, Calif. – In a baffling statement this week, UC President Michael V. Drake, M.D., announced his plans for the Fall 2021 semester.
“I may have started by leading our students through a pandemic, but I don’t want that to be my legacy. I have long believed that an educator must make an equal mark on every student,” President Drake wrote to students in an official email, “So I can and will hunt each of you smooth-brained tennis balls down. I will kick your ass. I will beat your blue and gold into green. I will spit in your mouth and make you pay me tuition in cash, you undergraduate scum. I was a professor of ophthalmology for decades, so I can guarantee: all you’re gonna see is hands. Keep your heads up, you meandering idiots.”
Some administrators embraced President Drake’s plan.
“I love a man of action,” swooned Chancellor Christ, doodling hearts onto a pack of sticky notes. “I just don’t get why he won’t take the action of calling me back – ha! I kid though. Why, I think President Drake is just doing what we’ve all been dreaming of. Kids these days have it too easy, with their attending lecture from bed and Pokemon Go to the polls nonsense. If I had it my way, I would give each professor a 2”x4” with a nail through it to enforce academic policy; I have no doubt President Drake is taking similar action to increase rigor.”
Cal’s official warning to students seemed less enthusiastic.
“Dear faculty, staff and students,” Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher wrote in an email to the campus community. “Administrators have received word of concerning threats made by other, much much stronger administrators. Please note that these threats are not unprecedented. President Drake has previously called me a ‘dandelion-picking fart-catcher’ and an ‘actual, human baby who wears a diaper and cries’ before taking my lunch money. At this time, we recommend that all students tell a grown-up that Marc is in trouble. In the meantime, I will be hiding underneath my bed, where I keep my LEGOs, because oh my god he’s in my house please send help.
Stay safe bears.
Vice Chancellor, Administration”
At press time, the Haas School of Business was planning a similar campaign, except just beating up poor people instead of students.