BERKELEY, Calif. — Adam Boyer, Berkeley local and second-year MFA student, claims that last Tuesday felt like “any other day. Seriously guys. I don’t think this is a big deal.” His parents, seated next to him on their living room couch in a recent tell-all interview, disagree: 

“It was a Tuesday like no other” His mother, Jonie Boyer, explains. Jonie reports that she was taking morning tea in her living room when her son telephoned to talk about his day. “Adam, my sweet baby called, and… and… he said that he was drinking a glass of cow’s milk. At first I couldn’t believe it. I made him repeat it again. ‘COWS milk, you say?’ I whispered. ‘A whole glass?’ How could one be so cavalier about discussing their deplorable vices? While talking to their own MOTHER?” Visibly upset, Jonie leaves the room. 

Our reporter couldn’t glean more information without inciting violent upset in the family, but since the interview, Jonie has taken out a lawsuit against Adam, claiming she “would not have encouraged/sponsored higher education if this was going to be the result. Years and years of liberal arts schooling coupled with a steady diet of organic foods amounted to absolutely nil.” Furthermore, Jonie reportedly explored options for class action lawsuits against various institutions which may have let Adam slip through the cracks. “I just feel that we’re all responsible for this whole mess,” she states in an unpublished op-ed sent to various local and national newspapers. “I birthed him. I raised him. I let him drink breast milk until he was eight, and then we switched immediately to soy, almond, and oat. How could I have done anything better? It was the schools, I tell you. They let them experiment too much, and now my baby boy is a monster.”

Boyer himself defends his so-called ‘inappropriate imbibing’: “Well, I was thirsty. I didn’t want water. My roommate had milk in the fridge, and oat milk is too expensive for a grad student to be purchasing regularly. The milk was fine. Mom, if you’re seeing this, please forgive me because my rent is late and my landlord is getting testy.”

No comment has been made on the behalf of the California state legislature regarding the legality of using dairy products in 2021, but many internet sources have begun to pressure local representatives for comment and have encouraged possible jail time for Boyer.

Updates to come. Stay tuned as the story unfolds.

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