LOS ANGELES — Following a break-up with girlfriend Camila Morrone, 47-year-old actor Leonardo DiCaprio announced that the real reason he dates women significantly younger than him is because he actually just never learned to count higher than 25. 

“A lot of people think that I have a history of ending relationships with women as soon as they turn 25 because I’m a ‘disgusting creepy man who preys on young women by abusing my power and wealth.’ While this is 100% true, the real reason I broke up with her is because I’m terrified of the deep dark unknown that is numbers above 25,” DiCaprio tearfully explained in a recent press conference.

“And I’m not crying because of the end of my relationship. I’m crying because I’m so unbelievably scared of big numbers. The squiggles make new shapes and I can’t handle it,” he added. “Old shapes good. New shapes bad,” repeated DiCaprio under his breath. 

In a full-on sobbing meltdown, the actor divulged previous outbursts of this phobia.

“I was on the set of Titanic and James Cameron was saying how the movie took place in 1912 and that number just freaked me out so much I started flailing my arms and running in circles while crying like a big ol’ fricking baby. But I’m not a baby. I’m a big boy! I’m a big boy!” exclaimed DiCaprio, who then immediately fled the room after starting to pee himself. 

“Oh that’s why he broke up with me?” commented ex-girlfriend Camila Morrone. “I guess this explains why when we watched 42  he screamed like a goat giving birth as soon as the title came on screen and ran into the bathroom. I was going to leave him anyway because I’m finally at an age where my brain is fully developed and I’ve realized he’s a creep.”

Frequent collaborator Martin Scorcese shared his experiences working with the famed actor. “Oh Leo, yeah he’s great. He just gets right into character and always delivers. Of course, whenever we mentioned numbers in The Wolf of Wall Street and The Departed, we had to use a body double or else he’d freak the fuck out and we wouldn’t be able to film for a week. It reminded me of a scene about 3 hours and 43 minutes into the 4-hour-long 1991 Taiwanese epic A Brighter Summer Day, directed by the late Edward Yang, in which… [rest of rambling monologue omitted for sake of brevity].”

Following his press conference exit, DiCaprio was reported pissing and shitting his pants on set after hearing about the existence of the number 26.

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