BERKELEY, Calif.— NASA’s James Webb Telescope has recently identified the vast, dense, awe-inspiring body at the center of our galaxy not to be a black hole, as had been previously assumed. After years of intimate analysis, new data has unveiled a shocking discovery: the supermassive object which binds the galaxy together is, in fact, your mom.
As reported, NASA’s lead scientist Doug Fugler reports some abnormalities in their newest batch of photos directed at the supermassive body. He claims that the file size is 2 terabytes larger than expected:
“Initially, NASA’s lead scientists believed the object had to be a black hole, due to its terrifyingly large and abnormally dense mass. I mean seriously– it’s huge. Just astronomically large. Looking back, it has become clear that our studies criminally neglected the most sizable factor in the galaxy–your mother’s gargantuan dump truck,” Fugler stated. “It now appears that, in the most delicate, scientific terms possible, yo momma sooooo fat her gravitational field binds the entire Milky Way Galaxy together.”
According to a team of very experienced scientists, the supermassive body (dubbed the Great Mother) emanates an incredibly strong and absolutely irresistible magnetic field. In the initial press conference, some experts were hesitant to make any direct contact with the woman:
“Such communication could provoke sudden movement and disturb her magnetic field, sending a deadly pulse of radiation from her South pole and roasting half of the Eastern Seaboard.” Fugler claimed.
Since the discovery, scientists have been working double time to craft state-of-the-art technologies which probe deeper into this phenomenon. Many have since begun worshipping her as a deity.