BERKELEY, Calif. – As UC Berkeley enters a new semester, fraternities and sororities have been scanning Sproul Plaza for visually-promising spring recruits. Sophomore and feminist Allison Harris, among those identified for such criteria, reported secretly feeling “a little” affirmed after sisters of Delta Delta Delta persistently complimented and pursued her on Sproul.
“I was walking down Sproul in my carefully curated outfit with my friend when a sister from Delta ran after us for a good three feet! Gesturing at my whole body, she said she loved my ‘whole vibe,’ and just had to ‘personally invite [me] to rush week’. I’m honestly so surprised,” extolled Harris, a 5-foot-6 white cisgender woman with blue eyes and blonde hair.
Known as a staunch critic of Greek life, Harris’s excitement comes as a surprise to her close friends, who are unbeknownst to the fact that Harris had meticulously planned outfits for table-passing and intentionally walked the middle path – past the Greek tables – through Sproul rather than the sides. Maya Chung, her brunette best friend who was ignored by the Delta recruiter, expressed shock at her response.
“Allison’s always talking about how we need to completely ban Greek life because it’s a microcosm of the hetero-patriarchy and how she can’t believe people willingly associate with such an oppressive, supremacist institution, but when that sister handed her a flier, I think I saw a glimpse of a smile on her face – the edges of her lips rose by at least 3 centimeters,” reported a scornful Chung. “Don’t tell her this, but I’m not surprised. I knew that her obsession with talking about them was borderline fanatic.”
Though Harris reported joy at being chased by Delta representatives, she expresses absolutely no interest in continuing the rush process.
“I’m not going to lie – it made my day to be flagged as worthy of participating in a morally-corrupt pyramid scheme,” admitted Allison. “However, I’m just not into Greek life. I couldn’t participate in rituals that perpetuate such abhorrent ideas of beauty and gender roles. I did check myself out in my iPhone camera right after that happened, but only because I was ironically fantasizing about what I would look like next to different sorority houses.”
A week later, Harris was spotted at a free ice-cream party for Delta rush, while Chung was nowhere to be seen; when asked why her best friend was not by her side, Harris explained that ‘obviously, her vibe just wasn’t a match’ for the sisters of Tri-Delta.