BERKELEY, Calif. – Students at Cafe Think on Thursday overheard a peer’s talk-shouted phone conversation about their summer plans. By analyzing eavesdropped segments, linguists were able to reconstruct the Haas student’s end of the conversation:

“That’s right dude, the job is a complete lush – I’m working at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. They’re sending me an access badge too; my job title is ‘Junior Inator Inspector.’ How cool is that? Yeah the pay’s great, I think six figures? And three of them are before the decimal!

“The job safety is okay. They did have me sign some release form about platypi though? Yeah I thought it was weird too – No it’s not abroad in Australia or anywhere, it’s somewhere called… Danville? They said ‘Tri-State Area’ so I imagine somewhere in NY-NJ-CT? Wh-what do you mean that could be Cincinnati? Sioux City? Greater Memphis? Shit.”

“I’m excited to show them what consulting can do! I was told that I would be ‘finding innovative solutions to streamline the workflow of total metropolitan domination.’ I was thinking a spreadsheet could do it – maybe a PowerPoint presentation? Who could say no to a fancy PowerPoint transition? My supervisor is some guy named ‘Heinz Doofenshmirtz’; I’m hoping to really interface with him, since he hasn’t added me back on LinkedIn yet.” 

Other students reported watching the Haas Student open his Google Calendar, which had appointments including “SCHEMING,” “PLOTTING,” “TINKERING,” and “PICKING VANESSA UP FROM SCHOOL.”

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