STANFORD, Calif.- Despite the best efforts of the Stanford Football Team and COVID-19, somehow the Bears clutched a narrow 41-11 victory this weekend. 

“I just ran really fast with the ball and guess what!? I won!” Cal quarterback Chase Garbers bragged in a post-game interview. “ I think it’s because I stopped listening to the ‘real’ doctors at the Tang Center, and just got zoomies from the hydroxychloroquine Aaron Rodgers gave me. Go Bears!”

Reactions from faculty have been largely positive. 

“I have to say, having the Axe back is such a relief!” Cal Chancellor Carol Christ mused, putting on a Huey Lewis and the News record and inviting journalists to perch on a plastic-covered couch. “It truly is the perfect multitool; I can use it to get rid of the undesirables preventing my Peoples Park Gentrification Project, deforest Berkeley Hills for new unaffordable housing, and as a fucking FIRE paperweight.” 

Campus satire magazines, however, were upset to scrap material they had prepared in anticipation of a loss 

“I mean, it’s total fucking bullshit,” Free Peach editor Shane Pauker shouted while throwing a folding chair into a pile of other folding chairs. “It’s bedlam at the Peach–we had like five, maybe six articles lined up about how we were gonna lose. We’ve been burning the midnight oil, toiling away to come up with ‘Garbers Fumbles Ball and Vaccine’ and ‘Axe-idents Happen,’  like what do you expect us to do now?

For those unhappy, Coach Justin Wilcox has announced a plan to ensure the team performs much, much worse next year. 

Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

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