BERKELEY, Calif. – With the holiday season now kicking into full gear, Santa’s elves are moving back up to the North Pole for their Christmastime work, taking a break from their typical employment staffing the MLK Amazon Lockers.
“A lot of people don’t know that it’s us behind there,” stated elf Gumdrop McGee. “We spend day and night behind the lockers sorting orders. We’re the ones stuffing packages in those tiny doors that pop open when you scan your code on the other side. Maste– I mean, Mister Bezos, forbids us from showing our faces, so no one ever sees all of the hard work going on back there. But we are all very dedicated and proud Amazon employees!”
It seems, however, that there are more rules than just enforcing elf-anonymity.
“Mast– sorry, Mister Bezos, doesn’t let us communicate with the outside world at all,” added toymaker elf Peppermint Sprinkle. “We have to stay behind the lockers at all times. He also doesn’t let us sleep, or use the restroom, and never gives us any breaks. He also forces us all to wear bald caps because he says ‘it actually looks cooler that way.’ He’s so silly!”
Stirring up some trouble among the elf community is Jellybean Jones, who has some more radical views on their employment situation. McGee is not a fan, made apparent by the exchange the two shared when he spotted Jones drinking a glass of milk.
“Goddamnit, Jellybean!” McGee shouted. “I thought you were sober.”
“Relax,” Jones crooned, raising the glass to his lips. “It’s only 2%.”
“Bullshit!” he spat. “That’s whole milk. I can smell it from here.”
Jones took a swig. “Life is meaningless,” he slurred. “We’re slaves to the capitalist machine no matter where we are. So sue me if I drink a little whole milk on a workday. Your little master Bezos can’t fire me if he doesn’t even PAY US IN THE FIRST PLACE!”
McGee flinched, but Jones continued. “And let’s not pretend that working for Santa is any better. The man still won’t give the reindeers any health benefits. Rudolph’s nose isn’t supposed to be frickin’ red. He just can’t afford to see a doctor.”
Santa was unable to comment, being too busy avoiding charges of voyeurism for spying on minors to see how naughty they’ve been.