Please note this message will definitely contain information that you will find upsetting.

On 04-04-2022 08:30:00, I looked hot outside Doe Library.

At approximately 09:25:00, I arrived at Doe Library to meet up with my study group. They hadn’t seen me since I got my hair braided by a kindly old woman on the beach of Cancun. To put it plainly, I was giving major cunt. People’s heads were turning. After leaving Doe Library, the suspect (me) headed to a second location (Yalis) with an unknown motive (to be perceived by even hotter people).

If you have any compliments for how good I looked, or if you know any hot singles who can match my fly, please contact:

My personal cell phone, (510) 501-9496

I would like to remind the campus community about the following things:

  • You’re strongly encouraged to take my picture.
  • I’m just like you, really, except that I look better and probably have a better relationship with my parents. 
  • If you see anyone copying me kindly inform them that that’s actually a federal crime and the University takes that sort of thing really really seriously. Ever heard of Title IX?

For information regarding resources for victims of “seeing me look this good” please refer to this Wikihow article on How to Improve Confidence as a Weak Student.


Timely warnings are released by the University of California Police Department when I see they left their account logged in. These timely warnings provide information about campus safety, and allow less dripped out community members to take precautions. The reported information has been investigated and confirmed at the time of the issuance of the warning, by my old Tinder match who swiped up on my instagram story with the fire reaction.

Physical descriptions of a suspect, including how good my newly braided hair looks, are included in timely warnings only when they provide several details that might help distinguish the suspect’s appearance from the general population, though in this case you’ll be able to tell because I just look better than everybody else.


Image courtesy of Wikipedia

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