BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley will rebrand its daily carillon performances to attract a younger, edgier audience, according to an official statement made by the music department.

“Kids today need to know the thrill that comes with playing the carillon,” University Carillonist Jeff Davis explained. “Campus melts in your hands when you smash its bells. From way up in the tower you can watch them squirm as you sound them with jagged, untuned notes. No time signature. No idea what song is playing. No way of knowing when it’ll end, unless you look up at my clocks. I’m in charge during clock and bell torture, and that’s the way I like it.”

Davis’ carillon students, including senior Alistair Cage, admit that the rebrand is apt. 

“I’d watched CBT from afar, but I was nervous to try it out for myself. One day, though, I finally had the nerve to take the decal,” Cage recounted of his experience as an amateur carillonist. “Jeff sent me into my practice room and started teasing me about how small my bells were. He asked if I could even call that tiny room a real tower. The rush of having my bells busted like that! One-on-one bell torture! Oh my God I can’t believe I had waited so long.”

Other students, however, fail to see any benefits with the rebrand.

“It’s perverted and disgusting. I don’t want to listen to the fucking Campanile!” psychology major Olivia Katz reported in a slightly-too-loud rant on the glade. “The songs are all a million years old and a million years long. The chords sound like dogshit. It’s not even in stereo! If you’re into carillon music, that’s fine, but enjoy it in the privacy of your own home. I’m sure there’s plenty of recordings online. ” 

As of press time, Davis had only responded to criticisms of his music by playing louder and faster.

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