Fall is in the air. You can feel it. Leaves change from a summer-y, Michael’s sage-scented candle green to a dark, Homegoods Halloween candle orange. The air turns just brisk enough to bring out your regular black stockings instead of your fishnet ones, and the trees along Sproul Plaza start looking like the Whomping Willow from the Harry Potter smut you love to read.
Costco rolls out their Christmas decorations, which cues Starbucks and every other coffee shop/bakery/home improvement store to overwhelm your senses with their assault of pumpkin spiced goods. Finally! Your favorite time to overspend is here.
But what is this? Your bank account is nearly empty from buying your cats premium organic wet food from Whole Foods? No need to fear. After all, your parents will probably pay for it if they let you major in English in the first place.
In the meantime, however, here are some yummy pumpkin spice recipes you can try making at home, alone, while you romanticize your single life instead of socializing with the person you’re actually interested in:
- Venti Grande Trenta Veranda Flat White Cinnamon Dulce Pumpkin Spice Oat Milk Macchiato
I’m sure reading that was nothing compared to reading The Canterbury Tales, which you won’t stop complaining about to all of your non-English major friends. For this indistinguishable drink, you will need:
- 1½ cups of oat milk or any other vegan cruelty-free milk you steal from plants
- Pumpkin spice for decoration
- ¾ cup of organic triple-whipped pumpkin puree harvested from Trader Joe’s, Berkeley Bowl, or Whole Foods pumpkins ONLY
- More pumpkin spice
- 3 tablespoons of brown sugar (or 12 if you want it to taste exactly like Starbucks)
- MORE pumpkin spice
- Whipped cream (non-dairy of course. My personal favorites are macadamia nut, almond, or anything watery and flavorless)
- I SAID MORE PUMPKIN SPICE PUT THAT SHIT ON THERE
Now combine all of the ingredients in the blender you just used for your açai bowl, and there you have it: the perfect autumn drink that isn’t like all of the other autumn drinks.
- Demi Grande Lovato Caramel Apple Medium Roast Bianco Misto Pumpkin Spice Latte
This one goes really well with a good Wattpad trilogy and “Rainstorm Sounds for Relaxing, Focus, Deep Sleep, Meditation: 20 Hours” while it’s perfectly sunny outside but you fantasize otherwise.
The ingredients are:
- Exactly the same as the recipe above
You can still use the same blender as the previous drink because it’s actually the same drink but if it has a different name then your subconscious will believe that it’s different and you’ll get to say you tried every drink on the menu.
- Pumpkin Spice Cat-uccino
Now this is a cute one! Here is a cat-friendly treat you can offer your therapy animal, because it deserves it after witnessing all of your 2 AM breakdowns over being single and/or your future career prospects.
You will need:
- 1 cup Himalayan double-pressed triple-strained coconut milk (yes, it’s a thing. And if you haven’t heard of it, do you even deserve to have cats?)
- 1 egg that was abandoned because your cat mauled the mother hen
- 1 tsp honey harvested straight from your family-friend’s neighbor’s non-GMO cruelty-free apiary
- To find a partner because we are really tired of hearing you complain about being single while simultaneously never going out.