Flat tummy tea. Appetite suppressing lollipops. Diet pills. Stomach flu. What do these things have in common, besides summoning the ruthless, vindictive spirit of Jameela Jamil? They are all the hottest new methods used by Berkeley students in efforts to crash diet before a whirlwind month of Spring Break and Coachella.  We at The Free Peach understand that yo-yo dieting with celebrity-endorsed products is hard to do on a budget, however. For the frugal, good news: Norovirus is going around Berkeley!

“I woke up one morning and suddenly realized – I only have a month and a half to lose weight before Coachella!” explained Demi Cup, a Berkeley freshman. “I don’t have the time or patience to start eating right, drinking less, sleeping more, or exercising, so I was overjoyed to hear that some of my housemates caught norovirus.”

Because protruding collarbones are the highest priority for enjoying a festival – not hydration or a full stomach in the hot Coachella Valley sun or anything frivolous like that – it’s time for many to start taking drastic measures.

Taking course over only a very brief 24-hour period, the vomiting, low-grade fever, diarrhea, and mind-numbing stomach cramps are just a few of the minor side effects to this incredible weight-loss method. Several young women at Cal have reported positive results with this flu. Cassie Watson (‘21) of Alpha Phi gave her resounding report in favor of Norovirus: “It was so easy! All I did was drunkenly lick a doorknob on a dare at a frat party, and 48-hours later I had lost twelve pounds! Now I can fit in my Fashion Nova bodysuit for Coachella!”

It’s really inspiring to see such great and healthy ways to lose weight.

Go forth and enjoy, Bears! Use our promo codes HITMYJUUL and MAKEOUTWITHASTRANGER for a Norovirus discount this spring!

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