BERKELEY, Calif. – Members of the Applied Satire department were mortified early Wednesday morning to discover the floating Orb of Doom (no, not the Evans one) in the upper right-hand corner of CalCentral: a Hold on their account. Widespread panic ensued as students, eager to abuse their Senior/Junior Reserved Slots and sign up for “SATIRE 191: Garfield or Odie?” and “SATIRE 154: Vine and Its Consequences,” mass-emailed advisor Alfonso “Alf” Falfa for answers.

“Oh, just hover over the hold for details,” Falfa cooly remarked. “Yeah right there – no not there, there. Not there, there. No there, not there – there!” 

After 12 further minutes of clarification, Falfa continued.

“Yes there – yeah just hover and see what it says – nothing to do with enrollment! Read that out loud: ‘advisor has placed a hold on your hand.’” Falfa shrugged, leaned back from their computer, and continued in a hushed tone, “I know it’s been a lonely and tough fall for a lot of our undergrads, so I just want to reach out and give them a digital hand, to let them know that I’m here.”

One Satire undergraduate shared an eloquent rebuttal: 

“He can shove that hand so far up his ass, people will call him Kermit the Frog,” retorted Fuh Neeman. “I waited six damn semesters for that sweet, sweet priority enrollment. If he deprives me of the opportunity to take ‘SATIRE 183: Your Mom Theory’ I am going to go ballistic.”

When reached out for further comment, Falfa reiterated that “he’s here for his students” and sent a few middle-schooler-on-snapchat level emojis.

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