LONDON, U.K. — Much to the chagrin of underachieving South Asian boys everywhere, the next Tory ghoul to occupy the United Kingdom’s highest government office will be of South Asian origin.

“Do you know [Rishi Sunak’s dad]’s son? He is Prime Minister now,” said local dad Raju Gopalu in a Diwali-day call to his son, Akhil. “Remember when you were class president in elementary school? Or was it class treasurer? [Rishi Sunak’s dad]’s son was a treasurer too — treasurer of the UK! You should reach out to [Rishi Sunak’s dad]’s son. I’m sure he will have a lot of good advice to give you. It’s time you started thinking about your future, beta.”

Raju’s son did not appear very receptive to his father’s suggestion.

“There’s simply no winning,” said 43-year-old brain surgeon, quantum physicist, and astronaut Akhil Gopalu. “No matter what I do, there is always some other brown guy out there who has done more. I can’t even get through a simple ‘Happy Diwali!’ call with my dad without him comparing me to another one of his friends’ sons. It’s hopeless. This just might be the saddest day of my life since Sundar Pichai became the CEO of Google.”

Other South Asian boys have reported similarly negative experiences following Rishi Sunak’s ascension to the Prime Minister’s office.

“I keep trying to tell my mom that Rishi Sunak is just another corporate-backed austerity fiend who will defund public programs and oppose organized labor, but all she sees is a ‘good Indian boy’ who is Prime Minister while I am not,” said EECS student Daniel Anthony. “Admittedly, I never know how to come back from that.”

 “Every uncle and auntie in my mom’s WhatsApp group keeps sharing Rishi Sunak memes almost as much as they share Modi memes,” added Berkeley resident Karthik Murthy. “When my parents ask me ‘Why can’t you be more like Rishi?’ I tell them that ‘I’m not a psychopath,’ and ‘I have principles.’ Then they tell me, ‘beta, you don’t need principles; you need a job,’ and I don’t know what to say. I have been working in the Berkeley Unified School District for over twelve years now.”

At press time, Rishi Sunak’s dad was wishing that his son would become a doctor like Raju’s son.

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