Let me paint you a picture. Every single week, you have to write a 500-plus word article (with verified sources!) that maybe four people other …
Republican Informs Guy Robbing Him He Doesn’t Have to Wear a Mask Anymore
BERKELEY, Calif. — A Republican man robbed at gunpoint earlier today reported that his assailant refused to take off his mask, despite the fact that …
Berkeley to Have Small College Feel After Court Caps Enrollment at 42,347 People
BERKELEY, Calif. — After a recent court ruling capped UC Berkeley enrollment to 42,347 students, some Cal students are rejoicing that the university will finally …
Astrology Added to Side of VLSB
BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California has decided that, alongside chemistry, biology, and, unsurprisingly, biochemistry, the Valley Life Sciences Building (VLSB) should have a …
Biden Infrastructure Bill Enables Berkeley to Finally Build a Second Two-Way Street
BERKELEY, Calif. — Anticipating infrastructure improvements from President Biden’s Build Back Better Act, Berkeley Mayor Jesse Arreguín has promised to use the new funding to …
5 Signs You’re a Virgo
Being a Berkeley student involves many rites of passage— skipping GBO after the third day, your republican uncle murmuring something about you wasting your education …
“Strong” Armed Robber Can’t Even Open Taco Bell Cantina Door
BERKELEY, Calif. — Notorious strong-armed robber Burlap Sachs was arrested this evening while struggling to open the door to the Taco Bell Cantina on Durant …
Garbers Comes Out Against Testing, Including His English Final
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a difficult-to-parse Twitter rant posted earlier today, Berkeley quarterback Chase Garbers came out against both COVID testing and, for some reason, …
Top 13 Berkeley-Themed Halloween Costumes
1. Slutty Oski Oski is the scariest mascot in America. He eats children, students, and parents alike. He terrifies the other football team, though not …
David Card Wins Nobel Prize in Economics for Proving $5 Is Too Much for a Slice of Pizza
BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley economics professor David Card recently won the Nobel Prize in economics for proving that many universally known truths are, in …