BERKELEY, Calif. — I’m walking down Durant, thinking about grabbing a burger at IB’s (not Bunz, obviously) when I notice him. He’s driving a navy blue Honda civic, his hair slicked back like Alex Turner’s (c. 2013). He pulls up next to a car parked in front of Sweetheart Café and suddenly thrusts his gear shift into the park. How can someone so confidently park in the middle of the street directly adjacent to another car? He opens the door and gets out. I finally begin to understand as I catch a glimpse of the Campanile-sized bulge hidden in his pants.

The only explanation for how this man can be so stupid to double park on a one-way street is that all the blood that’s supposed to go to his brain is instead going to his third leg. Durant is full of drunk idiots and cops, yet this man doesn’t expect to get a ticket; this man doesn’t even expect to have his rearview mirrors obliterated! The aura of confidence from his horse cock is so Earth-shattering it enables him to strut into Sweetheart leaving his car’s hazard lights on in the middle of the street.  He leaves the lights on to invite a challenge. He doesn’t try to have his car blend in with the others parked next to the curb. He owns his act of parking defiance, he leans into his rebellious nature. He willfully— happily, really — reduces Durant to a two-lane street. We should consider ourselves lucky that he doesn’t block an extra lane just for his baloney pony to trail behind him. He doesn’t care that it’ll make it harder for students to jaywalk because they won’t be able to see into the street or that it will cause traffic. The world’s consequences have no effect on him, he has his magnum dong and that is all he needs.

He gets his food and doesn’t go back into his car. His car will remain there for an hour, maybe two, maybe thirty-five. He will saunter around campus, admire Sather gate and the starry night sky with no fear. Maybe he’ll walk back, and drive home that night. Maybe he won’t. It makes no difference to him, for he has his gargantuan hog and that is all he needs.  

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