Being a Berkeley student involves many rites of passage— skipping GBO after the third day, your republican uncle murmuring something about you wasting your education majoring in free speech, and receiving a free extra-large t-shirt that doesn’t fit you because you’re a medium — but none are so memorable as realizing that your personality, fate, and dating pool are all obliterated by the fact that you’re a virgo. 

1. You were born someday from August 23 to about September 22.

2. You were born in “Virgo Season,” whatever that means. 

3. When you were an infant your mother saw great potential in you. However, she feared that you would die in battle during a glorious war. To protect you, she grabbed you by the heel and dipped you in the River of Styx, making you completely invulnerable everywhere except your heel. You excel at track and field. You hate people named Hector, the capital of France, and think the name Patroclus is criminally underrated. 

When you were a small child your uncle killed your father and married your mother. You spent a long time thinking about how this made you feel, and relied on elegant poetry in iambic pentameter as an outlet to process what happened. Iambic tetrameter doesn’t do it for you. Eventually after twiddling your thumbs for four acts and a lifetime of being jealous that your friend Laertes doesn’t take 18 million years to actually fucking do something you kill your Uncle. You don’t like danishes and you really don’t like the name Claudius. You frequently have crushes on people whose majors involve botany.

4. You convinced a rhetoric major to major in rhetoric with your superior non-rhetorical rhetoric.

5. You have unironically listened to “Happy” from Despicable Me 2 during any year after 2015.

7. You can’t count.

8. Your name is Tyler Max Goldstein you were born in Plainview, NY 11803 and your social security number is 2.

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