BERKELEY, Calif. — We’ve all experienced it. It’s still early in the semester and classes are finally sort of in-person again. You eagerly walk into your lecture hall. You’re nervous, but you work up some courage and decide that you’ll introduce yourself to the person who sits next to you. You turn to face your potential new friend, but as they sit down, the repugnant odor of their Berkeley Engineering T-Shirt assaults your nostrils. You try to say hello, but the smell makes you cough and gag and now everyone thinks you have COVID. You think about changing seats, but the stench is overloading your senses, petrifying your nerves. You try to calm down with a deep breath, but that only makes you inhale more of the engineering fetor, paralyzing you in the cloud of stench. Suddenly, Berkeley time is over and your professor starts talking about physics. You thought about moving seats but now it’s too late, you know the second you get up everyone will stare. 

Well, no more! Finally – yes, finally – the College of Engineering has announced that it will give deodorant to its new students instead of pretentious T-Shirts.

We tried interviewing an engineering student about this topic, but unfortunately our reporter collapsed from the smell after approaching one. Fortunately, after regaining consciousness, they were able to interview an EECS student over zoom. 

“Yeah, I think deodorant is a good step. But to be honest, we need better functioning showers in the dorms and the RSF. You’d think the Material, Mechanical, Chemical, and Civil engineers would be able to band together to design and build showers that can actually make hot water. Maybe after a quick glance at Chegg and Stack Overflow, something can happen.” 

At press time, an EECS student held up their Berkeley Engineering shirt on Sproul to ward off all flyerers.

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