If my Wealth and Poverty class has taught me anything, it’s that capitalism sucks and we should have all sucked Karl Marx’s dick when we had the chance. For the most part, I’m in total agreement, but it’s just so hard to hate capitalism when I’m gettin’ it good from a straight-neck, Patagonia-wearing, ripping-hot motherfucker on the Haas-to-heathen pipeline.
Good dick is good dick! If that dick doesn’t see the problem with the fact that the federal minimum wage has risen less than six dollars since 1968… well, that’s not my problem, right?
For example, I’m all for “taxing the rich.” Just don’t tax him too much so that he can’t subsidize my daily latte addiction. Sure, maybe the coffee and the plastic cup and the latte chain and everything else he buys me is fueled by the exploitation of the less fortunate, but, hell, when he exploits me, I can’t really complain.
Like Daddy Reich has taught me, with all these unregulated profit margins and unequal wages, we have a staggering wealth gap in this country that needs addressing. But I’d like to wage some importance on the gap between my legs. When it comes to income inequality, I’m all for change. But when we’re in bed and he says “hey you little socialist baby, in-come the [REDACTED],” well, I’d rather not “change” a thing.
Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, rake in hundreds of thousands per minute, which obviously is preposterous. Professor Reich says that when they monopolize the market it’s bad, but he doesn’t know what it’s like when Jason monopolizes me. Something about all our time together makes me think Bezos and Zuck might be onto something. Is it because getting absolutely railed by this man makes me lose focus and sympathy for the millions of people getting railed by complete and total lack of regulation on billionaires? Of course not. It’s just that my screams end up drowning out those protesting poverty and inequality.
And yes, unfettered capitalism is killing the planet. But he keeps telling me that the only thing he wants fettered is me to his headboard. Just because the market might go down doesn’t mean his dick has to.
It sucks because, well, I agree with what Professor Reich has to say. I work overtime at my minimum wage job and don’t get paid double, which Reich says is illegal. But as long as he’s buying my lattes, maybe our sex can double over time as a form of physical income! And I know we shouldn’t “cross the picket line,” but last week I crossed the picket line to engage in late-stage capitalism and Amazon-Primed us a cock ring. And I wish I could say I feel bad, but fuck – I felt really, really good.
You know what? Maybe what all those picketers and disenfranchised people need is not a wage increase, but just some really good sex. Yeah, I’m going to see what ol’ daddy Reich has to say about this one.