I’m a runner; you’re a walker. There’s no shame there. We can live in harmony, I just know it.

You might think I’m better than you, but I assure you I’m not. Sure, they say you have to walk before you learn to run. If anyone’s internalized that, it’s me. I used to be a walker, just like you! The only difference is that I’ve evolved. 

Nonono, I meant evolved in, like, an evolutionary way! I’m sure you’ve evolved, too, with your, uh, hobbies and stuff. You know how in nature, things sometimes evolve in different ways? Like how we have some ancient ancestor that, along one path, evolved into humans and, along another path, also evolved into cockroaches. Both good animals! Just different.  

Look at me now. I’m a beautiful, shimmering figure. Just because people stare at me and say “I wish I could have my nipples out in public like that” doesn’t mean I’m someone to be envied. Hell, to cool off while running I have to move so fast that the wind blows in my face, and that’s a chore! Sure, you’re on campus to finish a thermodynamics homework or some nerd shit, whereas I’m here to be admired by strangers who can barely legally drink at best, but that’s not important. I’m not better, I’m just different.

Think about it: by not being a runner, you’re living a modern life. You’re sitting on top of all of our achievements. As far as I’m concerned, running is how humans evolved to exercise. That’s why I do it like my paleo forefathers: in $160 Nike Flyknit Extra-Cushioned BreatheTech running shoes. I look like an absolute caveman zooming around and towering above you in my 3” thick comfort soles. Honestly? It’s embarrassing to be this active.

Listen: I know we’ve had bad blood in the past, but we can move beyond that! After all, even though your blood is bad, mine is chock-full of oxygen. (That’s just one of the perks of being a golden, glowing Adonis like myself.) We can coexist; we can listen to each other. Now if you’ll excuse me, get the fuck out of my way while my podcast blasts through noise-cancelling earbuds.

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