BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley economics professor David Card recently won the Nobel Prize in economics for proving that many universally known truths are, in fact, true. His Nobel Prize-winning paper included groundbreaking information that $5 is too much for a slice of pizza, Berkeley has too many one-way streets with not enough parking spaces, and raising the minimum wage does not lead to job losses.

“Yeah the thing about economics, and science in general, is that even if people already definitively know something, the scientific community won’t accept it as true unless some white guy proves it in a controlled experiment,” Card reported. “I figured if I proved some obvious things it would increase the amount of common sense in the scientific community and maybe help me get tenure. So I focused my research on some major issues that impact Berkeley, including that Artichoke’s charges way too much for their slices. I also suggested that raising the federal minimum wage above $7.25 would not completely destroy the economy or lead to massive job losses. Apparently, it was Nobel Prize-worthy. Pretty cool right?”

David Card’s head graduate student, Goliath Spade, also weighed in on Card’s winning. 

“At first I was really excited David won the Nobel. Then I realized he got his own free parking spot on campus because of it. Parking has been a nightmare for me; I can’t show up at Berkeley time anymore. Now he gets to the office punctually every day while, unlike him, I still have to pay $66 a year for the City of Berkeley’s parking permit. Maybe I’d pay for my own spot at a garage if I could afford it. If only there was some way someone could convince Berkeley that paying GSI’s more wouldn’t lead to job losses.”

At press time, Professor Card was seen in Evans Hall converting the time into money.

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