Every day, Berkeley students get serenaded by three concerts, totally free of charge. It’s too bad that they’re played on giant century-old bells that can’t be tuned and change shape in hot and cold weather. We’ve heard a lot of their songs over the years, but here are some of the worst.

“1. Gymnopedie No. 1” by Erik Satie

“Gymnopedie” is Satie’s spare, forever ephemeral ode to Lexapro. The thought of it bouncing off of McCone in ever-so-slightly detuned chords, however, reverses Lexapro’s effects.

 2. “They’re Hanging Danny Deever in the Morning” by Rudyard Kipling

Apparently this is traditional to play on the last day of instruction every semester. It was also written by a guy named “Rudyard” who invented the phrase “White Man’s Burden.” It doesn’t just sound like hot garbage, it sounds like a protest waiting to happen. 

3. “Beverly Hills” by Weezer

If playing a song off of the Green Album wasn’t bad enough, they hooked the bells up to a talkbox for the guitar solo.

4. “Reflections on a Dog Shitting” by Cooper the Shitting Dog

I— uh— yeah, wow. They actually executed this one perfectly. Weirdly enough, no complaints here. Let’s move on. 

5. “For Whom the Bell Tolls” by Metallica

Self-referential humor? In the year of our lord 2021? I mean, yeah, I like Rick and Morty, too, but I don’t fucking admit it in public. 

6. “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards” by Tame Impala

The Campanile is a tall, above-ground structure, so the Campanile plays above ground music. Tame Impala, on the other hand, is underground music. You haven’t even heard of them (Tame Impala (the band (composed of multiple people))). So, yeah, back into your hole of never hearing music. This above ground/underground metaphor is confused, but so are you, because you’ve never heard of indie artists like the Arctic Monkeys. Leave me and my converse high-tops alone.

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