AUSTIN, Texas — With early voting in Texas shattering records, the Secretary of State of Texas has decided to model the voter registration website off …
Clark Kerr Freshman Reports Understanding Poverty for First Time After Running Out of Flex Dollars Mid-Semester
BERKELEY, Calif. — Julia White, a freshman living at Clark Kerr who recently ran out of flex dollars, reported that, for the first time in …
DEAD BODY REPORTED: Cal Crewmate Suffering From Imposter Syndrome is Sabotaging Our Team
CAROL CHRIST (purple): Hello crew. Unfortunately, I am here to report that I found a dead crewmate in admin. I personally am able to do …
BCR President Eagerly Files Lawsuit After Eric Trump Prohibited to Speak at Campus
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley College Republicans President Chase Thompson announced he is filing a lawsuit against UC Berkeley for preventing Eric Trump from speaking at …
Men’s Rights Activists Announce the Opening of El Burrito Across the Street From La Burrita
BERKELEY, Calif. — This morning the Berkeley Meninist Collective (BMC) announced the opening of their new Mexican restaurant, El Burrito, directly across the street from …
ANTIFA Leaders To Hold Gender Reveal Party at Confederate Monument
RICHMOND, Virginia — In keeping with their violent yet liberal spirit, an ANTIFA couple recently announced their intention to hold a gender reveal party at …
UC Berkeley Announces Add/Drop Deadline Revenue Will Fund Zipline Down Bancroft
BERKELEY, Calif. — Confirming everybody’s long-held assumptions that most extraneous university fees are driven by greed, UC Berkeley announced this morning that the thousands of …
Trump Slams Bane in Tweet For Issuing Mask Mandate, Abolishing Gotham Police
GOTHAM — President Trump attacked Bane in a furious tweet earlier this morning over his recent decisions to issue a mandatory mask mandate in Gotham. …
Student Awarded Regents Scholarship After Eating Slice of Artichoke’s Using Just One Plate
BERKELEY, Calif. — Peter Johnson has been awarded a Regents Scholarship after eating an entire whopping, enormous, fat slice from Artichoke’s Pizza using only a singular plate. He recounted the life-changing experience.
“I’ve been eating at Artichoke’s for years. I’ve always questioned why they serve their slices on two plates. I know they’re big, but I’ve had a gut instinct for a while — actually, to be honest, I’ve had a gut instinct since the first time they ever served me — that I could manage to eat a slice using just one plate. As a Society and Environment Major in the College of Natural Resources, I’m always thinking of ways to help the environment. Eating a slice from Artichoke’s off of one paper plate would be a step towards saving the Earth. So I asked the manager if I could have my Margherita slice on one plate.”
Late Night Texts from UCBWarnMe Making it Hard for Quarantined Cal Student to Get Over Not Being with Campus Anymore
Like many of the other quarantined Cal students, Christine Waters had spent many nights missing campus. She was handling the break-up pretty well for a …