BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley College Republicans President Chase Thompson announced he is filing a lawsuit against UC Berkeley for preventing Eric Trump from speaking at Wheeler Hall this fall.
“Just because students aren’t allowed to have class on campus doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be allowed to hear Eric speak on campus. I am a firm believer in the right to assemble,” Chase proudly stated as he stumbled into a frat party, “It should be each individual’s choice to risk their own health. I drive drunk all the time, and that’s my right to put myself in danger. If I crash I harm myself and that’s my problem. If people want to hear Eric speak and risk getting COVID they should be able to. Carol Christ prohibiting him from exercising his right to free speech, at Berkeley of all places, is so ironic. I’m sick of everyone preventing conservative speakers from talking at Berkeley so I’m gonna do what my daddy taught me best — sue. I hope it goes to the Supreme Court because one of the justices used to be in my frat.”
Many campus representatives, including Chancellor Carol Christ, were bewildered by the suit.
“I mean it isn’t even Don Jr. or anything,” Chancellor Christ said with a sigh, “I don’t know why they care so much about him. I tried telling Chase that we won’t let anyone from any political party speak on campus this semester, but he won’t listen.”
If Eric comes to speak I wouldn’t even bother protesting,” said sophomore Sophia Miller, “I am not even sure what he does at the White House. Is he a direct relative of Trump? When I protested last year before Anne Coulter spoke at campus, I felt there was an actual purpose. For Eric? No thanks.”
At press time Chase was concerned that he could no longer smell his own fart.