WASHINGTON, D.C. In an announcement made late last night by the Commission on Presidential Debates, the American public was made aware of a historic change to the typical format which has prevailed for decades. According to the official statement, “due to the disappointment and general disheartening of Americans following the most recent presidential debate, we, in conversation with the Commission of Charcuteries (COC), have made the landmark decision to limit possibly abolish all conversations between Donald Trump and Joe Biden by replacing the next debate with an intense charcuterie board making competition between the two candidates.” 

While this announcement has been met with general confusion and mockery from other nations, Anna Smith, a Charcuterie Expert of Delta Gamma sororities throughout college campuses nationwide, offered a different opinion. “Charcuterie [sic] boards are literally so hard to make,” she wrote in an email. “People just see our Instagram posts and don’t even think about how much work we have to put into preparing the cheese and carrying it up that hill for the photo. I hope that this debate makes the public aware of the struggles of being a charcuterie board artist in today’s society.” With the advice of experts like Smith and her colleagues, COC has determined that this new style will not only provide a cohesive analysis of each candidate’s ability to effectively run a powerful nation, but that it will also help bring awareness to disenfranchised charcuterie board makers of today. 

At press time, Ted Allen of the popular, culinary television show Chopped is set to moderate the competition. The Commission on Presidential Debates is reportedly very confident that he will provide a much more professional performance than the previous moderator Chris Wallace.



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