AUSTIN, Texas — With early voting in Texas shattering records, the Secretary of State of Texas has decided to model the voter registration website off of Berkely’s academic guide in order to increase voter suppression.
“My cousin’s daughter goes to Berkeley and complains that the Berkeley academic guide is the most annoying, dysfunctional website she’s ever used. It’s an absolutely perfect framework to model the voter registration website off of,” said Secretary Hughs as she gleefully shot someone retrieving a ball that went into her backyard. “After searching for what party they want to register for, the website will buffer for 30 seconds before asking them what year they want to register in! I made sure the website will include every party that has ever existed since 1776, especially the ones that no longer exist. The new voters don’t stand a chance.”
Melania Trump additionally made a statement showing support for the Secretary’s decision.
“As First Lady, I can’t officially say I support voter suppression,” Melania muttered dejectedly. “But, I can support plagiarism. Copying speeches and websites is a great way to get ahead in life. Plagiarism is almost as effective as marrying rich.”
After attempting to register to vote under the new system, Christine Hughs was distraught.
“I don’t know why this is so fucking hard. I finally find what I’m looking for on the website and see that my party is open to enroll in, and then when I go to register and I get a big red X. Why is there a big green circle if there are 20 seats reserved for members of the NRA? I pay state taxes, shouldn’t I be able to enroll in any party I want to?”
At press time, a couple thousand 18-year-olds shook their heads in frustration as a prompt asked if they planned on voting remotely, preventing them from searching for their desired party.