BERKELEY, Calif. — A Republican man robbed at gunpoint earlier today reported that his assailant refused to take off his mask, despite the fact that the mask mandate has been lifted. 

“Berkeley can, unfortunately, get dangerous at night sometimes,” explained victim Jonas Whiteson as he packed for a hunting trip with his family. “I was walking around Shattuck when all of the sudden a guy wearing a mask popped out of nowhere and asked me for all my money. I threw my wallet on the ground, but after he picked it up he immediately yelled at me not to try calling the cops, like he was some kind of anti-police liberal. The idiotic thing on his face is sucking up so much oxygen from his brain that he’s now too dumb to even rob someone correctly. What a loser. He ran away from me like I was the one mugging him.” 

The assailant, Aidan Burgle, also shared his thoughts on the situation from an isolated jail cell.

“Life’s been hard for me lately,” Aidan lamented while nervously blowing his nose. “I have an autoimmune disease and my insurance is refusing to cover my meds. My rent went up and I got laid off. I made a stupid decision to hold up a guy one time. Just to get some money to keep me afloat, you know? When I took out my gun, the guy immediately said ‘Thanks, Obama,’ and when I grabbed his wallet all he had in it was a badly photoshopped fake vaccination card and an NRA membership. I was so stupid for only wearing a ski mask, I should’ve robbed him wearing an N95. I feel like I definitely have COVID now.”

Court proceedings are expected to begin next month, with a pretrial motion on the fifth amendment arguing whether or not the cop who arrested Aidan was allowed to say he doesn’t have to wear a mask anymore during the Miranda warnings. 


Image adapted from Andrea Piacquadio and Marco Verch

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