WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., received bipartisan backlash after he seemingly advocated his own assassination.

“My fellow loyal patriots — I urge you to reject tyranny, embrace freedom, and liberate me from this mortal coil,” Graham posted in a Twitter thread Thursday evening. “For too long, the Grand Old Party has endured the unbearable weight of my existence. Every day I open my eyes and see only pain and suffering; I open my mouth and taste only Donald Trump’s farts. Is there a Brutus in Congress willing to free his people? Is there a Travis Coates to my Old Yeller? Please, someone, release me from this living hell. I beg you.”

Senator Graham’s comments were immediately condemned by congressional Democrats. 

“This is exactly the kind of disgusting, treasonous call to violence we have come to expect from Senator Graham,” tweeted Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. “Unfortunately, this is not the first time he has threatened the life of a sitting U.S. senator. During the January 6th insurrection, I vividly recall him lingering outside the Senate lobby during our evacuation and whispering ‘please let them take me, oh God, please.’ He has also made repeated comments about wanting to be personally airdropped in Afghanistan so that he could ‘finish what John [McCain] started.’ This is unacceptable behavior from an elected official. I urge the Senate to strip Graham of all his committee assignments posthaste.”

Graham’s Republican colleagues have offered their own criticisms.

“The only thing I hate more than a [CENSORED] is a sucker looking for a handout,” said Paul ‘I’m-Not-A-White-Supremacist-But-I-Play-One-In-Congress’ Gosar, R-AZ. “For God’s sake, Lindsey, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. If you want to commit an act of heinous violence, do it yourself, like any self-respecting American would.” 

Even President Biden weighed in on the controversy.

“Listen here, Jack — er, Lindsey — I may not know about assassinations, or politics, or any of that malarkey, but if you’re going through something right now… maybe a listening ear would help,” President Biden offered in a DM to Senator Graham. “Do you want to go for a walk some time, maybe grab some ice cream, shoot the shit for a bit? No sweat if you don’t, but my schedule is free. It’s not like I’ll be accomplishing anything for the rest of my presidency. Seriously. Don’t be afraid to call. I’ll be here.”

At press time, Biden was sliding his assistant’s phone number and a 2-for-1 chocolate ice cream coupon under Senator Graham’s door.

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