“After realizing that the Southside garbage trucks come seven days a week, and are far louder and more disruptive than the Campanile’s bells, we have decided to use them instead from now on.”
Cthulu Sits On Campanile, Likes It
As he flailed he braced for pain, but was pleasantly surprised that the feeling of the Campanile in his rectum incredibly good.
BREAKING: Berkeley DeCals Not Stickers
BERKELEY, Calif. — Several Cal students recently came to the revelation that Berkeley DeCals are, in fact, student-taught classes and not Berkeley-themed stickers. “I was …
Eye of Sauron Appears Over Campanile, No One Cares
“Oh boohoo, the ruler of Mordor is now looking at everything I do,” sarcastically exclaimed sophomore Derrick Quincy. “My TikTok For You Page is clearly based on things I say out loud, and Bcourses can monitor how much time I spend on their website. I clearly don’t have any privacy, why should I care if Sauron is looking at me too? At least he’s upfront and honest about it, unlike everyone else.”
Cal Football Announces 2021 Giveaways
BERKELEY, Calif. — With hopes of having Fall 2021 games be attended in-person, Cal football has announced its giveaway lineup. This upcoming season’s giveaways include …
Chancellor Christ Declares She is The Academic Senate
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking power move, Chancellor Christ has proclaimed that she is the Academic Senate. “Frankly, the senate is in shambles at …
New Lay’s CRISPR Chips Surprisingly Good
BERKELEY, Calif. — Lay’s newest flavor, CRISPR chips, are spreading across the nation and quickly becoming America’s favorite potato chip. “You know when you’re drinking …
Maybe We Should Actually Not Call It Dead Week This Year
While the Berkeley administration has been trying for years to change the name of Dead Week, they have never been successful in their pursuit. Reading, …
Crime Reported: 31,000 Students Robbed of In Person Semester
UC Berkeley Police Department Please note this message definitely contains information. I mean like, we’re using italics. You know shit’s serious when an email starts …
Texas GOP Models Voter Registration Website Off Berkeley Academic Guide to Suppress Votes
AUSTIN, Texas — With early voting in Texas shattering records, the Secretary of State of Texas has decided to model the voter registration website off …