BERKELEY, Calif. – Nihilists and religious skeptics of all stripes were in for a shock yesterday morning when God (pronouns unpronounceable by mortal mouths) appeared on Sproul Plaza carrying a pack of string cheese and a quart of Lucerne™ 5% Reduced Fat Milk.
“I couldn’t believe it,” remarked junior Holden Kim, who was flyering for his United Methodist Church at the time. “One moment, I was trying to convince this disinterested freshman to join our congregation for Sunday worship and KBBQ; the next, I was standing before The Lord Almighty Himself! Too bad The Lord didn’t want to join us for Sunday worship, either.”
Sophomore Amanda Cartman noted that the sight of God helped revive her dwindling belief in the higher powers.
“I’m a devout Catholic,” Cartman explained, “but I have to admit, the last few years have really tested my faith. I mean, two of my grandparents passed away from COVID, then my dad caught it and barely survived, then my house burned down in a wildfire, and now apparently I can’t show up to class in my underwear anymore? It’s all been quite a struggle, to be honest, but at least now I know that the reason all those terrible things happened to me is because God was out shopping and not because I’m completely alone in the universe with no definitive purpose and nothing to look forward to other than the sweet release of death.”
“Yeah, I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal,” said God, who would prefer to be left the fuck alone. “All I did was dip off to Trader Joe’s to get some cheese and skim milk, and the next thing you know, everyone’s screaming at me like I abandoned them or something. Pandemic! Climate Change! Riots! Shootings! God is dead! Like, I get that the past few years have been tough or whatever, but it’s not like I released the Ten Plagues of Egypt or tried to wipe you all out with a massive flood. Compared to some of the shit I’ve pulled in the past, 2020 was fucking tame.”
In spite of God’s literal, physical manifestation on Sproul, many of His doubters remain unconvinced of his existence.
“If God is real,” began renowned logician and meme inventor Dickhard Rawskins, “why hasn’t he given me the Limited Edition Ultra Rare Pyrus Bakugan I’ve been praying for since third grade? He didn’t give it to me then, and he isn’t giving it to me now, so clearly he is either not real, or a real bitch.”
After consulting with the acclaimed atheist intelligentsia on Sproul Plaza, God admitted that He found many of their arguments compelling.
“I got to wondering: why do I let bad things happen to good people? In fact, why do I let bad things happen at all?” God shrugged and took a fat, contemplative bite from His unstringed cheese stick. “I used to rely on Descartes’ ‘I think therefore I am’ reasoning to prove my existence to myself, but I honestly can’t remember the last time I adequately thought through something before doing it. I mean, just the other day, I gave this innocent little girl Münchmeyer disease for absolutely no reason, no fucking reason at all. Do I ever think about anything? Am I even real?” He shook His head and stared off into the staple-ridden bulletin board. “These atheists might be on to something.”
At press time, God was last spotted in Doe Library, drinking furiously from His milk jug while poring over the works of Nietzsche and Foucault. As to how He got His hands on a jug of 5% milk, sources report that the Lord works in mysterious ways.