BERKELEY, Calif. – In a flagrant ploy to gain female attention, one boy showed up to his PoliSci discussion wearing glasses.

“I actually wear glasses every day,” clarified junior Griffin Bells. “It wasn’t just a today thing. Seriously, I don’t understand how this could be misconstrued as some sort of play to get girls. I can even show you my prescription; I’m literally farsighted. If I read anything without my glasses it’s just indecipherable.”

… Okay, so now he also knows how to read. Could he be any more obvious?

“What?” exclaimed Griffin, simultaneously reading this article in real time as it is being written. “Of course I know how to read, if I couldn’t how would I even be in college? Do you think I mentioned that as another way to impress women? This is literally insane.”

Another student in his discussion section, Amy Ghol, didn’t fall for any of his masterful tricks.

“It’s embarrassing for Griffin, honestly,” she stated. “Not only does he wear glasses, know how to read, and break out the occasional knitted sweater, but he even enjoys engaging in thoughtful discussion on feminist theory. This fucking guy complained about choice feminism the other day, saying shit like, ‘Its rise and capitalization within society has limited the overall movement and actually only benefits white women.’ Jesus, red flag alert!! This guy is practically on his hands and knees begging for pussy.”

Bells, unable to defend himself any longer, switched to a different discussion section, where he existed peacefully until he was spotted listening to Fearless (Taylor’s Version); his non cis-male peers are currently hysteric.

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