BERKELEY, Calif. – The Berkeley student body quickly fell into a deep depression after realizing that it would be another year before their next encounter with Jake’s mom. Her presence this year had caused quite the disruption at many of the planned Homecoming events.
“At the Parents’ Weekend Sportaganza on Memorial Field, all eyes were on her,” Tom Marsh of Rally Committee said. “Nobody even paid any attention to the main event: a fight to the death between Oski and forty-three allied freshmen. The audience was too transfixed by her presence: mature, yet seductive. Heck, a buddy of mine on the ASUC financial committee says that every restaurant she visited experienced a 112% surge in popularity!”
Although there’s no question that students at Berkeley love Jake’s Mom, there seems to be some jealousy within the family.
“I feel overshadowed; it’s like nobody cares about me for me. I made so many friends this year who, as it turns out, only hung out with me to get to her. I feel like nobody sees me as my own separate person,” Cal junior Jake’s Mom’s son confessed.
Her arrival each year has quickly become an integral part of the Berkeley experience. Students would often reminisce over fond memories from parents’ weekends of the past, during which Jake’s Mom would bless us all with her presence once more.
“Seeing her this year was definitely fantastic, but nothing beats 2020; that was when she called me a ‘nice young man,’” Jake’s Mom’s son’s friend Cameron said. “I peaked right then and there. My life’s pretty much been downhill since then.”
Jake’s Mom’s visit made such a splash that, to garner more public support, even Carol Christ attempted to hop on the bandwagon.
“As Jake’s-Mom’s son’s chancellor, I couldn’t be prouder to have had her here last weekend,” Chancellor Christ wrote in a statement released to the student body on Wednesday. “Yet it is with heavy heart that we must say she has departed. We hated to see her go, but we loved to watch her leave.”