‘Self-Made’, My Ass: New Evidence Reveals God Was Born to Rich Parents

PEARLY GATES, Heaven—Notions that God created Himself, the Universe, and Everything In It were upended last Friday when an extensive audit of God’s finances revealed that He inherited the majority of His Kingdom from His ultra-wealthy parents.

“For a supposedly ‘self-made’ entity, God sure has a lot of trust funds,” explained IRS Agent Steven Matthews, who was in charge of the audit. “Except for Stonehenge, David Attenborough, my son’s fire R&B mixtape, and the state of Ohio, which are all in fact creations of God, God’s assets are gifts from His parents and thus fall under the purview of the estate tax. Consequently, we will be billing God for $175,000,000,000,000 USD, the oil fields of Afghanistan, and that really sick Pyrus Bakugan that my wife didn’t let me get from Target last Monday.”

God Confirms He Isn’t Dead, Just Went Out for Milk

In spite of God’s literal, physical manifestation on Sproul, many of His doubters remain unconvinced of his existence.

“If God is real,” began renowned logician and meme inventor Dickhard Rawskins, “why hasn’t he given me the Limited Edition Ultra Rare Pyrus Bakugan I’ve been praying for since third grade? He didn’t give it to me then, and he isn’t giving it to me now, so clearly he is either not real, or a real bitch.”