PEARLY GATES, Heaven—Notions that God created Himself, the Universe, and Everything In It were upended last Friday when an extensive audit of God’s finances revealed that He inherited the majority of His Kingdom from His ultra-wealthy parents.

“For a supposedly ‘self-made’ entity, God sure has a lot of trust funds,” explained IRS Agent Steven Matthews, who was in charge of the audit. “Except for Stonehenge, David Attenborough, my son’s fire R&B mixtape, and the state of Ohio, which are all in fact creations of God, God’s assets are gifts from His parents and thus fall under the purview of the estate tax. Consequently, we will be billing God for $175,000,000,000,000 USD, the oil fields of Afghanistan, and that really sick Pyrus Bakugan that my wife didn’t let me get from Target last Monday.”

God has responded to the exposure of His generational wealth by defending His claims of self-origination.

“Look, when I said I came from nothing, I didn’t literally mean ‘nothing’ nothing,” God revealed to the only legitimate Sproul preacher in a dream. “However, given what I had to work with, I think it’s basically like I created everything from scratch. It’s really hard to make a banger mixtape in seven days, guys! Especially when you’re working through a vessel as dull as that IRS agent’s son. Also, I think we can all agree that ‘the Universe’ just wouldn’t be The Universe without Ohio.”

Despite the negative press God has received in the aftermath of His tax audit, God’s parents remain incredibly proud of Him.

“It’s an absolute joy to see how far our son has come,” said Mr. and Mrs. God Senior in a joint statement in Forbes magazine. “With just a small loan of the Universe and Almost Everything In It, He has managed to create the Universe and Everything In It. What a remarkable accomplishment! The moment we saw that beautiful, corn-filled jewel of the Midwest, we knew we had to tack it onto our fridge immediately. Too bad it got ruined by that horrible chemical spill, though.”

At press time, God was busy asking His parents for a second Universe after realizing that He totally fucked up the first one.

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