I’m gonna be real honest with you guys in this article, okay? I’m gonna go too far for sure. I’m gonna go places that I don’t think you want me to go. I’m gonna get gross, that’s the one thing I know. But you’re already here, so sit back, relax, and read an entire article that is a not-so-clever guise for a fart joke.
See, the problem is this: we, the students of UC Berkeley, have a serious hypocrisy problem. We constantly bitch and moan about the “explosive potential” of Eucalyptus trees, as if our explosive potential isn’t just as serious after a GBC breakfast sandwich and Peet’s triple shot espresso.
Like, okay we get it, Eucalyptus trees are invasive, they are disruptive to the native ecosystem and take up far too much space on campus. You wanna talk about invasive? Let’s talk about every New York transplant in Berkeley. They are invasive as fuck. Invasive of my peace. Disruptive and harmful to the California natives with their constant complaining about the inefficiencies of BART. We get it, the subway is way better, shut the fuck up. We get it, you went to “underground” shows in Brooklyn. We get it, you “own a tattoo gun but only really like to do hand pokes”. Yes, I am talking about one specific person and yes, I do believe they are representative of every single New Yorker living in California. Too niche? Have I lost you yet? Hang in there, it’s only downhill from here.
Don’t worry though, I haven’t forgotten who the real star of this article is: me. It’s honesty from here on out and the raw, honest truth is: I get defensive of Eucalyptus trees because I see a lot of myself in them. I see myself in their hard-won virtues and in their truly upsetting pitfalls. For example, I too am a sexy addition to your shower. Like eucalyptus trees, I continue to serve and slay even in the dead of winter. We just get each other.
That being said, we all know about eucalyptus trees’ cute little habit of emitting gas. Some would compare its flammability to gasoline. Now I’m no climate terrorist, I know Petrol is bad for the environment and I believe in sustainable solutions. However, I have been told by friends and family and a select few unlucky strangers that the intensity of my post-late night Taco Bell winds could provide enough fuel for a family of four to embark on a wholesome and fun-loving cross-country road trip in their rental RV. Now does that make me a villain? Depends who you ask. The point is, I call on each and every one of you to examine your own emissions before you say another word about eucalyptus trees, especially those of you who ate at Croads on March 3 ( I saw what you did to the Unit 1 Cheney downstairs bathroom).