Eucalyptus Trees aren’t the Only Destructive Force in Berkeley, I Too Look Beautiful But Excrete Flammable Fumes

I’m gonna be real honest with you guys in this article, okay? I’m gonna go too far for sure. I’m gonna go places that I don’t think you want me to go. I’m gonna get gross, that’s the one thing I know. But you’re already here, so sit back, relax, and read an entire article that is a not-so-clever guise for a fart joke.

See, the problem is this: we, the students of UC Berkeley, have a serious hypocrisy problem. We constantly bitch and moan about the “explosive potential” of Eucalyptus trees, as if our explosive potential isn’t just as serious after a GBC breakfast sandwich and Peet’s triple shot espresso.

Like, okay we get it, Eucalyptus trees are invasive, they are disruptive to the native ecosystem and take up far too much space on campus. You wanna talk about invasive? Let’s talk about every New York transplant in Berkeley. They are invasive as fuck. Invasive of my peace. Disruptive and harmful to the California natives with their constant complaining about the inefficiencies of BART. We get it, the subway is way better, shut the fuck up. We get it, you went to “underground” shows in Brooklyn. We get it, you “own a tattoo gun but only really like to do hand pokes”. Yes, I am talking about one specific person and yes, I do believe they are representative of every single New Yorker living in California. Too niche? Have I lost you yet? Hang in there, it’s only downhill from here.