BERKELEY, Calif. – Yesterday, at approximately 13:00, UCPD received a call notifying them that the glass ceiling in Gardner Main Stacks Library had been shattered (Note: this call was delayed by two hours because there was and still is no cell signal in Main Stacks). 

The only description given of the suspect was that she was female, which was reason enough to suspect 54% of the undergrads, 49% of graduate students, and 1% of equitably paid people on campus. 

“It was crazy! The boys and I were dominating the class Discord with random banter instead of helping out with the midterm study guide, but got distracted by a loud crashing sound,” explained CS major Adi Agarwal. “How are we supposed to focus in these conditions? Girls should be given academic probation or sent home for distracting us like this.”

Many males agreed, despite their rolling backpacks, dropped Hydroflasks, dragging of chairs, snoring, and general breathing ranking higher on the decibel meter than the glass shattering. As UCPD investigates this issue, continuing to ignore all of the countless reports filed by women, many male students are demanding reparations.

“This should not be allowed. I mean, the glass ceiling is glass for a reason, right? Girls should be able to see through it, but not break it. Like pigeons, or those seagulls that randomly started annexing Lower Sproul,” reported another male onlooker. “If they break it, there’s no telling what they’ll do next. Start taking over the chess club? Not get talked over in discussions or classes? Demand equal pay? I don’t think so. I’m actually quite a progressive man, hence why I’m at Berkeley. I’m all for rights, especially women’s rights. Just as long as it benefits me. That’s why I think this woman should have to pay for breaking the glass ceiling. I’m 6’4” by the way.”

Some male students took their opinions even further. 

“She should have to pay emotionally and mentally too,” added psychology major Brad Crawford. “Like, it isn’t enough for her to have to compensate for it monetarily. I want her to feel guilty, outcast, and alone for what she’s done, kind of like how we shame women for being promiscuous even though we perpetuate a patriarchy that actively promotes their sexualization. Like, yeah, it was men who built that glass ceiling in the first place to keep women or non-cisgender people out of the ol’ boys’ club. But it’s not our fault she had to physically break it in order to maintain the contradictory and unrealistic lifestyles we pressure females to have. She should feel horrible.”

As the University continues to investigate this issue, the girl who was accused of the crime released a statement. “I actually had no idea there was even a ceiling. I definitely felt, and still feel, the pressure around me from being in that CS midterm study group full of men who can’t even make eye contact or hold an intelligible conversation with a female. But I wasn’t aware of any limit. I was just being myself, I guess.”

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