I used to be like you. I used to underestimate the everything bagel. Pish posh, I thought like a character in some poorly-written Anglophile Wattpad fanfic. It’s just a bagel with some seeds on it. It doesn’t technically have everything on it.

How wrong I was. 

What could go wrong? I asked, not knowing the ordeal I would endure. I soon learned that Trader Joe is Daedalus himself, crafting wax wings and moderately-priced snacks for me before the downfall. His aisles are my labyrinth; his parking lot, the Trader Giotto’s Sicily I will never escape to. To put Trader Joe’s Everything but the Bagel Sesame Seasoning on an everything bagel is hubris — not an example, but the definition of the word itself. I did it. I lived it. I carry the burden of what I’ve done. I can only just contain the power bestowed upon me by that benevolent craftsman.

Now I walk the land with the mark of my sin. I have tasted everything; I have seen everything. Had you seen the visions that I have, you would not fear the silken slip of death either. The power I’ve gained haunts me at every turn. The magnetic energy I emanate fails me at every TSA metal detector. The poppyseed coursing through my veins fails me at every drug test. 

No matter. I have made Joe’s trade. As I wallow in the splendor he has provided, my heart grows cold. Despite this, the heavy soul cannot weigh down my youthful façade — instead, the microwave burrito Joe once gave me grows frostier by the day. I remain a mystery to the canvas-bag-clad passerby. Women want me; snacks fear me. My transgressions neither precede me nor trail me, but only linger in the air for a second before being wafted away with the scent of cinnamon alphabet cookies.  

I can bide the days idly or I can seek thrills, but neither brings up much of any sensation. I have poisoned my tongue with the white-hot sun that is Everything Seasoning on an already everything bagel. Nothing remains outside that life, and, for that, I give the seasoning a 4.5 out of 5 (“Mostly Recommend”) buy rating for this week’s product review.

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