I seldom pray to God. The only times I’ve prayed to God have been: during college admissions decisions, before confronting my parents about my childhood (didn’t work), when late to class and looking for a rideshare scooter nearby, before exams, during exams, after exams, and yes, most recently, during my catastrophic dry spell.
You might say “dry spells aren’t a bad thing” or that “sex isn’t everything.” You might even echo my therapist’s insight about “taking time to work on myself.” That’s all fair, but I believe that nothing says “self-care” like letting a hot girl with a mullet tie me down and fuck me up in her beige-colored sheets til I drip more than all of the unkempt leaky faucets in Berkeley. The thing is, given the recent torrential rains, I don’t think God fully understood my request. So I’ve been working on a follow-up prayer to God, probably gonna try it on him this week. Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated. Here goes:
“Are you there God? It’s me, haha. No, not Margaret. I’m the girl that asked you last week for some help getting soaked. Now I fear that my request was worded poorly. I totally didn’t mind getting drenched walking from Dwinelle to Wheeler after the wind broke my only umbrella. But just to clear things up, when I mentioned my ‘dry spell,’ I wasn’t talking about California’s drought. Sorry, no, I’m like super grateful and yes we always need rain…but what I meant is that it’s been a while since I, uhh, you know, got some…and I’m kinda desperate. Okay, fine! All I want is to get absolutely ruined by some indie, fine-line-tattooed barista whom I might accidentally call ‘mommy’…and for her to make me pancakes the next morning. Fuck. Is that so much to ask? If it is, please let me know, God, but not through atmospheric precipitation… send me a different sign – you can message me on Slack or something. Thanks God, I really appreciate it… and she will too, hehe. Peace.”