BERKELEY, Calif. – Five random strangers in Berkeley’s new 24-hour library affectionately called “Doe” were appalled this evening after Defe Cayshun, a fifth-year senior whose eye bags were darker than the expired eyeliner she applied every morning, asked nonchalantly if someone could just watch her entire Apple ecosystem really quickly before shitting her guts out in the women’s restroom for several hours and then undergoing an invasive medical procedure.
“It’s really no big deal,” insisted Cayshun, still under the influence of anesthesia and gorging on the Post Malone Caramel Sea Salt Truffle Delight Cheezit Oreo Snack Mix she wasn’t allowed to eat for 48 hours. “Now that I can sleep in Doe, I left my house for three days and prepped for my colonoscopy while grinding out Math 55 practice problems in the library. The all-liquid diet before the procedure was easy enough to follow because I already exclusively consume Monster Energy and strawberry matcha lattes anyway. As for the people around me, one of them had a cute little koala sticker on her iPad, which means I would trust her with my life and the lives of my non-existent children and pets. So, I left the wonderful people around me to watch my new iPhone 15 while, under sedation, an entire camera was being shoved up my ass to look for cancerous tissue. I really wasn’t even gone that long! Comparatively, I was gone much longer for that one time I took 100mg in Wurster and accidentally swallowed my Apple Pencil because I thought it was Pocky.”
After returning to her table, Cayshun found her technology was miraculously untouched. The fifteen granola bars she’d crammed into her 2019 Kanken had mysteriously disappeared, which was honestly probably more of a devastating loss.