BERKELEY, Calif. — In a turn of events that has left statisticians scrambling for their calculators, sophomore Duncan Dribblen has officially shattered the world record for the fastest rebound after a long-term relationship, garnering the attention of the NBA. Just shy of two weeks post-breakup from his girlfriend of four years, Dribblen appears to have executed a buzzer-beater dunk straight into his female best friend’s twin bed.
“I’ve never seen such speed and technical finesse before,” remarked NBA commentator Lawrence McKinley. “Duncan Dribblen‘s ability to rebound just seems to have an unhumanlike, almost monstrous, quality to it. The rebound’s ability to just insert itself into a conversation with the speed and precision of a surgical strike after waiting months for the right opportunity is truly unparalleled.”
Dribblen’s unmatched rebound ability has sent NBA talent scouts flocking to Berkeley, albeit at a slower speed than Dribblen’s ability to break up with one girl and immediately link up with another.
“I’ve seen plenty of promising college players in my time, but no one can match that Dribblen kid’s ability to rebound,” commented Colin Schwartz, NBA talent scout for the Harlem Globetrotters and prolific cheater, “If he’s this good at rebounding, maybe he’ll have no problem with playing dirty or even cheating—in basketball, at least.”
Interest in Dribblen has extended beyond team recruiters; even Lebron James has been spotted looking for Dribblen on the Berkeley campus.
“Mr. James—that’s ‘the Goat’ to you—is always on the lookout for the next big thing in basketball,” said Fatima Hertzel, a spokesperson for Mr. ‘the Goat.’ “Whether or not he decides to take Mr. Dribblen under his wing—a wingspan of 7 feet, mind you—or simply decides to invite Dribblen over to hang out with Lebron Jr. is still up in the air at this time—like how Lebron is always in the air when he dunks. Did you know he’s the NBA’s all-time leading scorer? I just thought you should know.”
When asked for comment, Dribblen was too busy fleeing from his newest girlfriend, seemingly already on the quest to set a new personal record and a new interpersonal low.