BERKELEY, Calif. – Students at UC Berkeley may have heard of the long standing superstitions about stepping on campus seals, but a recent groundbreaking study has uncovered the unfortunate effects of stepping on campus in general.
Head researcher, Lenny Munch, relays his team’s findings stating, “At first, we thought it was an unfortunate coincidence. There was nothing to suggest an underlying cause for Berkeley students to be, erm, unsuccessful in their romantic pursuits (besides the usual factors of bad hygiene, commitment issues, superiority complexes, crippling low self esteem — all things very natural and common for these students) but my! A little bit of creative investigation and wow, you really get a sense of what’s going on here, which is that absolutely nobody has got it going on. Put pejoratively, what a school of lonely bastards! What we uncovered is a strong, positive correlation definitively proving that being on this campus greatly depletes your ability to engage in non reproductive copulation, or any sort of copulation! And the most pressing discovery is that it’s unavoidable, even simply getting on campus means not getting off!
Imperative to note that while serving as Head Researcher for this Berkeley campus project, Munch has also reported a personal decrease in receiving head and an unfortunate increase in divorce requests from his wife.
“Now, I’m not saying that I regret taking on this position, but I must admit, there have been consequences within my own life. I mean, these results are simply groundbreaking—imagine the policy reforms alone! And if Sharon can’t understand that, then, well, I don’t know what to say. Sharon, oh Sharon…she’s like a shot of espresso, like being bathed in sunlight. She’s incredibly energetic and enthusiastic, and she—”
Munch further expanded on his research techniques for this particular project, noting how its peculiar nature demanded new, groundbreaking ways of inquiry.
“…the trick is to humble yourself, appeal to that deep, everlasting soul tie that exists between two individuals who’ve spent the majority of their adult lives together, that delicate sense of — oh, you meant research techniques? Oh, oh yes I see, wow, excuse my tangent. Uh, yes I suppose new techniques could help thrust more deeply into this scientific inquiry. Yes, this could possibly point to the existence of Berkeley goggles and its effects on the romantic ecosystem, but in my professional opinion, the real crux of this matter lies in —- I’m terribly sorry, but her divorce lawyer is calling, mind if we cut this short?”
At press time, it’s been reported that Munch is now pivoting to focus research on reconciling broken marriages while UC Berkeley students everywhere are still fighting this epidemic of no bitches.