BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recent discovery that has shocked the campus community to their meat-stuffed innards, Wurster Hall is reported to be seriously lacking in the German sausage department.

“It was nothing short of appalling,” responded sausage aficionado Hans Meatentüben on his realization that the southeast campus building was not dedicated to his beloved foodstuff. “You would expect, as did I, that this Wurster Hall would contain a lovely sampling of weisswurst, leberwurst, and bockwurst, or at least, some bratwurst. Alas, I navigated that deranged building for hours, savoring the discovery of its namesake, but only found shitty, esoteric art and exposed plywood walls.”

Some students, although aware that Wurster Hall is sausage-free, were sympathetic to Meatentüben’s confusion.

“Guten tag!” said Jacob Butte, who studied abroad for two-and-a-half months in Berlin. “Yeah, I was in Deutschland last summer (that’s Germany, by the way), so I can see why Hans is confused. In German, ‘wurst’ actually means ‘sausage’, so someone who speaks German, perhaps even a Berliner like myself, would read Wurster Hall like ‘Sausage’-er Hall, and think it must be where we study sausages. It would be like if you went to Germany and saw a building labeled ‘Kindergarten’. You might think it was a school, since that’s what it is here in the states, but you’d be wrong because it’s actually where German children harvest all their crops.”

Other members of the campus community, however, dismayed at Wurster Hall’s deceptive title, attempted to set the record straight.

“This is what happens when the administration refuses to put us on the official map,” said disgruntled Sausage Sciences faculty director Shaw Sage. “For the last time, we are located in the basement of the Campanile, where we have been since the College of Meat and Poultry was founded in 1922. It’s like the administration is ashamed of us or something. First, they build Wurster Hall, sending valuable researchers like Mr. Meatentüben on a wild goose chase, and then they rename Barrows Hall to the Social Sciences Building, throwing off countless more academics looking for the Sausage Sciences Basement! We are the ones who told Jimmy Dean everything he knows, goddammit. The least this University can do is show us a little respect.”

At press time, the Sausage Sciences department was preparing to announce a new minor program to be offered in Fall 2023, ‘Bologna Literature.’

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