BERKELEY, CA.— In a series of text messages, the parents of Cal Sophomore Irmin Daynger have expressed suspicious interest in the student’s well-being, sparking concern that their true motivation lies not in Daynger’s personal health, but the health of his internal parts.
“They found an old pack of cigarettes I left at home, and now they’re constantly talking my ear off about how ‘smoking is terrible for me,’ and ‘I am genetically predisposed to addiction,’ and ‘please for the love of God use better judgment,’ and all that bullshit. But I see right through them; I know they just want my lungs, nice and pink and alveoli-rich, so they can take them for their own selfish, nefarious purposes. Well it won’t work—I know about their little scheme, and am taking matters into my own hands. In an act of passive resistance, I’m smoking a pack a day!”
When confronted with Daynger’s concerns, he recounted his parents providing a shaky justification for their involvement in his personal choices.
“There’s literally no reason for them to be so involved in my personal lifestyle choices; they keep track of how I’m eating, how I’m sleeping, and even my mental health (probably to track cortisol levels). Sure, they claim it’s because they ‘care deeply about my well-being,’ and that they ‘love their children more than anything else,’ as if that’s a plausible explanation for all this prying. But there’s absolutely no reason for them to care as much as they say they do. Trust me, if you got to know me, you would understand how impossible it is for anyone to love me this much.”
While Daynger’s fears of organ transplants are as of now mostly speculative, other students have cause for concern. Cal Junior Steele Miapendix recounts his problematic experience with a parent’s organ donation.
“A few years ago, I gave my dad one of my kidneys… the worst mistake of my life. I gave him a taste of low blood-toxicity, and ever since he’s been fiending for my second one. I don’t know what to do now. Last week he sent me an article claiming that ‘dialysis isn’t so bad’ and how I would ‘get on perfectly fine’ with ‘no functioning kidneys at all…’ Some days I catch him staring longingly at my abdomen, occasionally licking his lips with this terrifying glint in his eyes. I should have never gotten him hooked.”
At press time, Daynger was spotted in PUBPOL C103 with a half-empty bottle of Everclear and an unidentified prescription pill bottle, glancing at subreddit r/pleasedontstealmyorgans.