BERKELEY, Calif. – In a long-awaited team-up between two all-star administrations, UC Berkeley has officially announced the beginning of their collaboration with the federal government …
‘Does Anyone Know What to Do????’ Asks Entire Nation
AMERICA – Following numerous events and incidents, people across the nation this week are collectively asking: “does anyone know what to do?” “I honestly have …
Making the Founders Proud! University of California Changes Hiring Policy to “Whites Only”
OAKLAND – After enacting a ban on diversity related statements in their hiring process, the University of California administration has announced that, in order to …
Best Editing Snub? I Wasn’t Nominated for My Explicit Harry Styles-Obama Romance Fancam
While we are all aware of the inherent western bias and classist systemic issues of the Academy Awards, its biggest fundamental failures remain hidden, lurking …
“Call for Smiles and Positivity”: Chancellor Rich Lyons Shares Uplifting Video Message During the Armageddon
BERKELEY, Calif.– As fire and ash continue to rain from the sky for the 40th consecutive day, a distant ping rang from thousands of students’ …
Premature Assassination? UnitedHealthcare CEO Shot 4 Days Before Dead Week
NEW YORK – On Wednesday, UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was denied his claim to keep living by an unidentified gunman. While reactions have ranged from …
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WASHINGTON D.C – Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck …
Former Gay Romance Short Film Actor Gives Speech Against “Transgenderism”
BERKELEY, Calif. – Last night, failed actor turned right-wing commentator Michael Knowles gave a speech on campus about “eliminating transgenderism,” 12 years after starring in …
Social Impact Consulting Club Signs Exclusive Deal with Lockheed Martin
BERKELEY, Calif. – In an absolutely shocking but also entirely predictable turn of events, new social impact consulting club Renewal Strategies has announced a 5-year …
Too Far? Chronic Baby-Talker Refers to Chernobyl as “Chernobies”
BERKELEY, Calif.- Late Saturday night, official news publications were alerted by the UC Berkeley’s Top Secret BINKIE (Berkeley Institute of Neuro-linguistic Kinesic Infant Emulation) Research …