I am Bunny. Bunny ouch. Bunny want play outside with Bunny friend. Mom stay inside keep Bunny and friend safe. Bunny settle upstairs couch with …
Berkeley Acapella Groups Eager for In-Person Fall 2021 So They Can Finally Return to Being Ignored on Sproul
fter plans for an in-person Fall 2021 semester were announced, acapella groups across UC Berkeley rejoiced at the prospect of once again being able to perform for, and be overlooked by, the masses on Sproul Plaza.
Frat Bros Adopt Strict Raw Diet So Girls Will Bark At Them Too
“And that’s when it clicked — it wasn’t my comments on their bodies that were fucking me over, it was my lack of proper nourishment.”
SoundCloud Rapper Getting Desperate; Turns to Sproul Piano for Exposure
BERKELEY, Calif. – Worried about the lack of plays on his most recent tracks, local SoundCloud rapper Lil Big Penis has turned to the piano …
Yosef from the Bachelorette Teaches Haas Students How to Have Class
BERKELEY, Calif. – After voluntarily leaving Season 16 of The Bachelorette due to his high personal standards for classy women, D-list celebrity Yosef Aborady recently …
Why I Ghosted My Therapist and Started Sexting With Oski Instead
I just… saw him one day on Sproul. What was he doing there? I don’t know. It wasn’t game day. Or Cal Day. Absent the …
UC Berkeley Gives Alleged Sexual Assailants Priority Registration Because They’d Do the Same If It Was Their Son
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following revelations about multiple sexual assault allegations, UC Berkeley officials announced that sexual perpetrators would receive priority registration because they’d “do the …
Risky! Frat Bro Decides to Invest in Pfizer Despite Warnings From His Right-Wing Facebook Group
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following their recent vaccine announcement, FIJI brother Brandon Dix took a risk and invested in Pfizer despite the various warnings and conspiracies …
KKG Accidentally Bids Diverse Class Due To Blind Rush
BERKELEY, Calif. – With the beginning of the school year going virtual and racial tensions higher than ever after Berkeley’s Panhellenic Community reposted pastel pictures …
OPINION: Wait, Did WALL-E Ever Fuck That Sexy Little Robot Eve?
The 2008 animated Pixar film, WALL-E, might be a severe societal criticism of capitalism, corporatocracy, environmental degradation, and global catastrophic risk, but above all: it’s …