BERKELEY, Calif. — In the Northside Safeway earlier today, 32-year old Uma Bilikel’s water broke while grocery shopping. The 9-months pregnant woman was picking up …
REPORT: I’m Working on Myself in Order to get Someone Else’s Attention
BERKELEY, Calif. – U.C. Berkeley senior Kendra Paltrow (no relation) has changed a lot since Freshman year. She’s picked up meditation, no longer cuts her …
Shit: More People Think They Deserve Rights
BERKELEY, Calif. – In an unforeseen turn of events, yet another group of people who have been treated unfairly now think they deserve to not …
OPINION: Sacramento Is Important
Word is in guys: Sacramento is super important. I mean this state, this country, couldn’t function without the socio-economic powerhouse that is Sac-town. You know …
Student Accused of Cheating on Midterm Using Anal Beads
“First off, I have never cheated. Okay fine, once when I was younger I left my canvas page to look up the answers on an online math quiz, but I was like 19. I would never cheat on a midterm,” Kneeman said as he searched for answers for homework on Chegg. “Magnum is upset I beat him and is just hating on the underdog. The grade speaks for itself. And to all the people asking for me to go over my prep for the exam, that’s none of your business. I’m not even going to address the anal beads rumor. What, people really think I learned the entirety of morse code and had someone buzz the beads for each answer? That would require many hours of practicing in the Morrison bathroom from 4:00-5:30 p.m. PST – don’t be ridiculous.”
BREAKING: Local Hero Realizes Disabled Students Exist
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a stunning revelation, campus sophomore and self-proclaimed social justice warrior Abel Isty discovered that disabled people are, in fact, present on …
CNR Student Provides Expert Opinion: We Really Needed This Rain
Many are calling UC Berkeley’s College of Natural Resources student Karly Mandel a hero after her comments about the importance of the recent rainfall in the Bay Area. Sources report that Mandel is currently enrolled in ESPM 15, Intro to Environmental Science, where she has become well versed in the enormously complex concepts at hand.
Haas Student Wearing Everyday Outfit Wins Contest for ‘Best Bloodsucking Parasite’ Costume
BERKELEY, Calif. – At an ASUC Superb event this weekend, undergraduate business student Michael Kochnoffer took home the grand prize in a Halloween costume contest …
Berkeley Thrifters Immune to Earthquakes Due to How Retrofitted They Are
“I was sitting in my car in one of the Nobel laureate parking spots, dreaming of a future where I could go there during the day and not in the dead of night when nobody would tow me, when everything came together: the earthquake didn’t want to shake that student because it didn’t want to damage their vintage Rick Owens.”
OPINION: My Tummy Hurts and I Really Need Someone to Care About It
If I don’t make it, let these, my last words, make their way to the public and let the public know that today, they lost a brave soldier. (But also if someone brought me some Tums or something I might be fine?)