LOS ANGELES — Thanks to the sensational worldwide Netflix hit Squid Game, our society has completed a full 180, effectively putting an end to the …
Hot and Cold: Natural Phenomenon Otherwise Known as “Weather” Grips Berkeley
BERKELEY, Calif. – Various students across campus have reported, particularly when speaking to their class acquaintances while waiting out Berkeley time, that sunny, warm days are now transitioning into cooler, wetter periods. These varying temperatures have also been referred to by some as “the weather.”
“Yeah, it’s like, now it’s cold??” began sophomore Kady Gershwin. “It was so hot the other day, I literally had to wear shorts and a tank top. Then, all of a sudden, this morning it was literally freezing! I’m actually wearing a sweatshirt if you can believe it, it’s just that chilly. What is even going on here!”
Berkeley Student Well-Being Emails to Remind You That You Are a Piece of Shit
New this week: Why Being Not a Fucking Piece of Shit Is the Latest Self-Care Trend
Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Wow, I’m a Piece of Shit!”? Well, we experts at Berkeley Student Well-Being know. We’re here to tell you that that one missing piece of your self care routine is NOT using facemasks, NOT increasing general hygiene, NOT regular teeth brushing, NOT wiping thoroughly, but rather just: trying harder to NOT be a Piece of Shit. JFC. It’s not that hard (neither the process nor the shit itself!)
Mercury is in Retrograde, Which is Why You’ve Been A Piece of Shit For 21 Years
People across the nation are losing their shit.
“During retrograde, a lot of our everyday communication is disrupted,” explained Tigerlily Adams, caucasian yoga instructor and probable anti-vaxxer. “Like, when this undercover cop asked me if I sold shrooms to college kids, I assumed he was in college because that guy looked like a fucking virgin, so I said yes.” Tigerlily is currently under arrest for distribution of drugs to minors, but Tigerlily said “that’s just the way retrograde goes.”
Blatantly Catering to the Female Gaze: This Boy Wears Glasses
“I actually wear glasses every day,” clarified junior Griffin Bells. “It wasn’t just a today thing. Seriously, I don’t understand how this could be misconstrued as some sort of play to get girls. I can even show you my prescription; I’m literally farsighted. If I read anything without my glasses it’s just indecipherable.”
… Okay, so now he also knows how to read. Could he be any more obvious?
Big Student Athlete Loves His Little Scooter
BERKELEY, Calif. – On campus today, one big student athlete was spotted whizzing around on his adorable little scooter.
“Nobody gets us,” whispered football linebacker Hulk Jacobson to his scooter as they flew up Bancroft. “They don’t understand the challenge of walking to class after a grueling practice. None of them could possibly comprehend the physical toll. But you know. You support me.” The scooter whirred happily as Jacobson continued. “Like, I’m sorry that my muscles are sore from getting us absolute L’s out on the field.” The scooter shot him a look. “The football season has been a little rough.”
Don’t Tell Prof. Reich: Capitalism is Only Okay When I’m Fucking a Hot Capitalist
If my Wealth and Poverty class has taught me anything, it’s that capitalism sucks and we should have all sucked Karl Marx’s dick when we had the chance. For the most part, I’m in total agreement, but it’s just so hard to hate capitalism when I’m gettin’ it good from a straight-neck, Patagonia-wearing, ripping-hot motherfucker on the Haas-to-heathen pipeline.
‘Kanye West is the Greatest Rapper of All Time’ Says Man Who Has Clearly Never Heard of Macklemore
“Remember ‘Same Love?’ I doubt gay marriage would still be legal if that wasn’t released. And let’s not forget his profound societal commentary found in ‘White Privilege II.’ Like, as a white man, he gets that people are racist. The Grammy Voting Committee clearly agrees!”
Man Easily Navigates Dwinelle, Still Unable to Locate Woman’s Clitoris
BERKELEY, Calif. – As Berkeley students once again struggle with the endless labyrinth that is Dwinelle Hall, one man has emerged champion, remarkably finding his classroom within mere minutes; the location of his girlfriend’s clitoris, however, still remains a mystery.
“It was no big deal,” shrugged a bashful Justin Lawry to a roaring sea of fans. “I sorta stepped through those doors and, I don’t know, I just had a gut feeling. Something deep within my primal instincts almost seemed to sing to me; next thing I know I’m taking a right, another right, a left, another right, another left, walking up two flights of stairs, crawling through the tunnel that connects the north and south wings, taking a left, climbing up a ladder, taking the slide down the other end, and taking another right. Boom. I was there.