Everything Your Relatives Fear About Berkeley
People across the nation are losing their shit.
“During retrograde, a lot of our everyday communication is disrupted,” explained Tigerlily Adams, caucasian yoga instructor and probable anti-vaxxer. “Like, when this undercover cop asked me if I sold shrooms to college kids, I assumed he was in college because that guy looked like a fucking virgin, so I said yes.” Tigerlily is currently under arrest for distribution of drugs to minors, but Tigerlily said “that’s just the way retrograde goes.”
“I actually wear glasses every day,” clarified junior Griffin Bells. “It wasn’t just a today thing. Seriously, I don’t understand how this could be misconstrued as some sort of play to get girls. I can even show you my prescription; I’m literally farsighted. If I read anything without my glasses it’s just indecipherable.”
… Okay, so now he also knows how to read. Could he be any more obvious?
BERKELEY, Calif. – On campus today, one big student athlete was spotted whizzing around on his adorable little scooter.
“Nobody gets us,” whispered football linebacker Hulk Jacobson to his scooter as they flew up Bancroft. “They don’t understand the challenge of walking to class after a grueling practice. None of them could possibly comprehend the physical toll. But you know. You support me.” The scooter whirred happily as Jacobson continued. “Like, I’m sorry that my muscles are sore from getting us absolute L’s out on the field.” The scooter shot him a look. “The football season has been a little rough.”
If my Wealth and Poverty class has taught me anything, it’s that capitalism sucks and we should have all sucked Karl Marx’s dick when we had the chance. For the most part, I’m in total agreement, but it’s just so hard to hate capitalism when I’m gettin’ it good from a straight-neck, Patagonia-wearing, ripping-hot motherfucker on the Haas-to-heathen pipeline.
“Remember ‘Same Love?’ I doubt gay marriage would still be legal if that wasn’t released. And let’s not forget his profound societal commentary found in ‘White Privilege II.’ Like, as a white man, he gets that people are racist. The Grammy Voting Committee clearly agrees!”
BERKELEY, Calif. – As Berkeley students once again struggle with the endless labyrinth that is Dwinelle Hall, one man has emerged champion, remarkably finding his classroom within mere minutes; the location of his girlfriend’s clitoris, however, still remains a mystery.
“It was no big deal,” shrugged a bashful Justin Lawry to a roaring sea of fans. “I sorta stepped through those doors and, I don’t know, I just had a gut feeling. Something deep within my primal instincts almost seemed to sing to me; next thing I know I’m taking a right, another right, a left, another right, another left, walking up two flights of stairs, crawling through the tunnel that connects the north and south wings, taking a left, climbing up a ladder, taking the slide down the other end, and taking another right. Boom. I was there.
“Voldemort went to Stanford,” boast the cheeky graphic tees that the Berkeley quidditch team loves to flaunt. What a fun gag, to pin He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named as an alum of our university’s bitter rival. Ha! Ha! Ha! “Voldemort went to Stanford.” The quidditch team probably applauds themselves for this bit that actually sells – yes, people buy these shirts to wear, to declare their love of the magical world of Harry Potter and of their prestigious university! “Voldemort went to Stanford.” Have you ever even stopped to consider the implications of this analogy? “Voldemort went to Stanford.” Don’t you realize that your actions have consequences?
This is a serious diagnosis, and we want to give you all the help you need in discovering what he may be doing behind closed doors. You’re sexy and all, but you have to be honest with yourself – there are just some other things that get him off. Here’s a few signs that one of those things is our favorite tech mogul asswad, Elon Musk:
1. He is male
2. He is a white male
3. He is a straight white male
BERKELEY, Calif. – As the Fall 2021 semester draws near, UC Berkeley students are vying for the continuation of the additional mental health awareness and …
