His only response was, with a quick glance up and down and a cheeky lip bite, “If you show me your shadow, I’ll show you mine. Ahaha aha.”
Berkeley Acapella Groups Eager for In-Person Fall 2021 So They Can Finally Return to Being Ignored on Sproul
fter plans for an in-person Fall 2021 semester were announced, acapella groups across UC Berkeley rejoiced at the prospect of once again being able to perform for, and be overlooked by, the masses on Sproul Plaza.
SoundCloud Rapper Getting Desperate; Turns to Sproul Piano for Exposure
BERKELEY, Calif. – Worried about the lack of plays on his most recent tracks, local SoundCloud rapper Lil Big Penis has turned to the piano …
Why I Ghosted My Therapist and Started Sexting With Oski Instead
I just… saw him one day on Sproul. What was he doing there? I don’t know. It wasn’t game day. Or Cal Day. Absent the …
Risky! Frat Bro Decides to Invest in Pfizer Despite Warnings From His Right-Wing Facebook Group
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following their recent vaccine announcement, FIJI brother Brandon Dix took a risk and invested in Pfizer despite the various warnings and conspiracies …
OPINION: Wait, Did WALL-E Ever Fuck That Sexy Little Robot Eve?
The 2008 animated Pixar film, WALL-E, might be a severe societal criticism of capitalism, corporatocracy, environmental degradation, and global catastrophic risk, but above all: it’s …
L&S Alpaca Doubles Grad School Matriculation Rate
BERKELEY, Calif. — In recent years, the College of Letters & Sciences has ramped up its advising capabilities by holding events where students can connect …
OPINION: Why My COVID Antibodies Make My Cum Taste Better
There are already SO many reasons why girls should give me head. To name a few: 1) because it feels good for me, 2) because …
OPINION: I Spray-Painted Cop Cars for Black Lives Matter. NOW Will You Fuck Me on my Top Bunk in DKE?
As I researched to educate myself on systemic racism and oppression, I had a revelation: I have been the subject of discrimination by my female …
Cal Fraternities to Reevaluate Bid System After COVID-19 Enters Uninvited
BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley Fraternity TKE held an emergency meeting to reevaluate the bid system following reports that COVID-19 entered 100 percent of their parties uninvited, …